Good dominance is not a personality disorder
Desperation defaults to force, but this is not what good dominance actually is
I write about how women feel men- the subtle dynamics, the silent impact, the moments that shape safety, desire and connection. My work guides men into deeper presence, integrity and grounded masculine leadership.
“You don’t see me,” I said to him, agitated like we were in a year long relationship. In real life, we had known each other for 24 hours. Funny, isn´t it? That´s become my normal- getting to the essence of connections early, extremely early, like here.
His masculinity stood out from the start- decisive, direct, rare. I liked it. I like dominant men- this kind of edge has become a rarity- and if he can appreciate me as a sovereign being next to him, I’m more than fine.
It became clear he couldn’t do the latter.
In this first fight, I discovered how little he could perceive of me, how little he understood, how he needed to prove himself by knowing it all, how desperate he seemed, and how desperate it made me feel.
I tried to make him understand me, but he couldn’t, he wasn´t willing to- his fear of losing his footing was too big. I was turned off by the entire scenario, and canceled the date.
He wanted to press me into a mold he was able to handle. He tried to pressure me into meeting him anyways, pressure me into being with him. He “subtly” dropped his status and money, he tried everything in the books to make me change my mind about him. The fusion of his dominant, strong demeanor and the desperation underneath was weird, and even weirder was his unawareness of it.
He wanted me open towards him, harness the gifts that come with true openness and surrender- but he had no clue how to get there. The only way he knew was by force.
And this is where dominance and good dominance split:
Good dominance is good leadership. But for many men, dominance means forcing her into acting, thinking, and feeling a certain way. It’s centered around his worldview, his wants- not his deeper needs, but the substitutes for them.
It´s an entitled behaviour, where men believe they can have things they haven´t earned. They skip working on themselves, they skip the part where they sharpen their presence, and jump into the experience of being the man and having a woman submit to them.
There is only one kind of woman, who will play along and even like it: the woman who has no self esteem, who feels unworthy of having her needs met. Because to be with this kind of man means to abandon yourself. Again and again.
A really masculine man is a man, who opens a woman by his presence, the way he treats her and talks to her, the way he looks at her and sees her. The way he loves her.
If you have masculine edge, you stand out and that´s good. But if that edge isn’t connected to your heart and an understanding of the feminine, you will run against walls. Repeatedly.
This man, he had edge but he lacked depth. Edge without depth is compromised leadership and just a sharper way to be lonely.
To learn the language of the feminine and to sharpen your leadership, book a discovery call here.
as long as he thinks her as not an equal conflict will happen simple.
nothing beats being real if you have to be someone just to be rejected or accepted that is a bad game.
This is a very good observation. More than once, I have experienced a woman initiate “this first fight” as if we were already in a relationship, when in reality we are not even intimate yet. It feels very premature and disappointing. Sometimes I have persisted with the same woman, who has been happy to attend date after date, but she frequently repeats the accusation, even though I have never leveled any criticism at her. It is very sad.