Loneliness is a Choice

You just don´t change it because the thing you want so much also terrifies you

I write about how women feel men- the subtle dynamics, the silent impact, the moments that shape safety, desire and connection. My work guides men into deeper presence, integrity and grounded masculine leadership.

The male loneliness epidemic is talked about from several angles. It´s nothing I am highly interested in as per usual when it comes to trends and popular movements, but the topic of feeling lonely as a man I can see a lot in men and I have observations to share.

As always, my approach is to look at his impact- his power. This isn´t negating the absence of empathy or openness from some people or societal demands, but it is ought to remind you of your impact.

The common narrative is that society has abandoned men, that there is no space for them anymore, that masculinity is under attack and men are left without a role, without support, without belonging.

While I see and name parts of this myself- I don’t buy it as THE reason.

Many men feel lonely. But the loneliness isn’t coming from the outside in most cases, it’s coming from the inside.

Most lonely men are not alone- they have colleagues, friends, family, often a lover. They are surrounded by people, but no one knows who they actually are because they don´t show themselves.

The man who performs confidence at work, who gives the right answers, who is fun to be around and who shows up as the guy everyone can rely on- he performs in every area of his life.

Performance is the loneliest thing a human can do, because the applause is always for the character you are playing, never for you, and to maintain the performance takes a whole lotta energy.

He can’t be vulnerable with friends because that would mean admitting he doesn’t have it all figured out. He can’t reveal himself with his brother because they never learned how to, and showing up vulnerably feels dangerous. He can’t let his kids see him struggle because he thinks strength means having it all figured out. He can’t open up to his woman because the moment he does, he is terrified she will see something that makes her leave.

Note: some men had exactly this experience where she was turned off by him showing feelings. The problem is not “being vulnerable”, the problem is him not being able to handle his feelings, so he collapses and makes her hold him and the load. There is a way to share vulnerably without communicating that you are unable to deal with it- this takes self awareness and learning to hold (contain) more. If you want to learn this, book a discovery call here- these are the things I work on with men.

So he stays closed and sealed because everything else looks like a sure way to losing whatever he built.

The wall that blocks him from women is the same wall that blocks him from everyone, it basically blocks him from the source: love. This is not a relationship problem, it’s not a dating problem- it’s a connection problem. It shows up everywhere- in friendships, in family, in his own relationship with himself. He has nowhere to go with his inner most being- that´s what he feels.

He can’t be present with his woman- he also can’t be present with a friend. He performs for her, he also performs for his colleagues. He collapses in intimacy, he also collapses when anyone gets too close. It’s the same pattern everywhere- it just hurts most with women because relationships are the poster child of intimacy.

So the narrative that society abandoned men becomes a convenient story because it puts the problem outside:

“it’s the culture”

“it’s feminism”

“it’s the system”

And as long as the problem is out there, he doesn’t have to look in the mirror.

But the truth in many cases is, that the door was open, many times: she tried to reach him- he answered with logic, a friend asked how he’s doing- he said fine, his kid wanted to play- he was on his phone. The invitation to connect usually is there but he is afraid to go there. It mostly isn´t conscious but deeply ingrained in him.

He built an entire life on performance and is now sitting inside a castle, that once was built to protect him, but now keeps him lonely.

The irony is, that men have been conditioned to function at all times, and the more they try to fulfill this, the less they function because they crumble underneath the neat performance of being a man.

And then they come home to her and she turns her back. From his perspective it´s cruel and incomprehensible, from her part it´s the consequence of never having him present with her. She can´t feel him. She can´t connect to him, because his heart is closed, and with this his power is compromised.

Society currently is far from being perfect, there are narratives and ideas that I don´t support at all- I also name them here frequently- but they are not the reason why men don´t step into their power.

Every single man who decides to not face himself and get into uncomfortable territory decides to stay exactly where he is. The longer he stays there and the more he blames outside circumstances, the more he will feel like a victim while his power is sitting on the sidelines, waiting for him to recognize it.

Every man has the potential to be a king, to flourish and build kingdoms, but it won´t be given to him from the outside. It´s cultivated on the inside.

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Book a discovery call here if you want my help.