Behavioural Masculinity
If you make it, you don´t have to fake it.
There is so much noise on the internet around dating, relationships, men, women.. It all has its place but what stands out for me often, is the superficialty of many. It is behavioural advice. To change ones behaviour is a good first step but if the second step, to grow into that new frame, is not done, it is fake and won´t work really. The focus should always lie on onself and not the manipulation of the other.
I was in a club in Berlin out at night with a very cool date, I felt so cared for by. There was a guy, in his 20s, and we got into conversation. He was high as a kite- my date immediately wrote him off because of it but I am a romantic, I rarely dismiss anyone. He told me about this girl he was dating and how she wasn´t into him. After telling him, what I do for work, he asked me, what he should do with that because he wanted her so much. I mean, we all been there, right? There´s someone we think is the real deal and we feel a deep urge to convince them of us, somehow. I have been there for sure.
I told him, that the best thing he can do, is build a life, a garden, that can actually host a great woman (from what he told me about her, she wasn´t that woman, but anyways). There is nothing he can do to convince her of him than creating a great life. I dont know, if he applied any of it or if he even remembered the next day but I like to think, that he did.
Changing behaviour
There are basically two ways of changing behaviour- one is focused on the other, manipulating him/her, the other is focused on oneself, to actually change. The latter is, what is really working. It also is the harder path to go, hence all the dating experts telling you, how to fake best, because who wants to work hard really, especially emotionally? Naah… this laziness results in unsatisfying ego games.
I had numerous men sitting in front of me showing some cool version of them but I can see, if you are authentic or not- if I spot behaviour, that is made to influence me, I´m out. What is within my awareness, might not be for everyone but I would say, most women feel the glitch that happens from someone acting inauthentic. It´s palpable.
What often happens too, is a lack of credit. Oftentimes, the men changing their behaviour to be more attractive to women, are those who have been friendzoned and neglected a lot by women in the past. So, in order to be in control now and never dismissed again, they put on a suit, that says: I am a strong, dominant, independent man, that you want. They are very cautious with giving women too many credits- makes sense, right? In order to keep in control, you dismiss the other more or less.
What happens, is they turn into an uncharming asshole- it might not be in your face but noticable. It takes freedom and peace within yourself to give the other credit, to honor them. All which you won´t get from manipulation, en contraire: you will perpetuate that nagging feeling of inadequacy. Only people, who feel insignificant, need to manipulate- we know that.
The result will be distance, not closeness. So, what you deep down yearn for- deep connection, ecstasy, love, desire- you won´t get. If the change is only surface level, you cannot let anyone in, the game would be over- they see, who you really are, and since you are convinced, that this real you is undesirable and unloveable, you need to hold them away from your core and stay in a constant state of tension.
Change yourself
What you strive for is a state of greatness and authenticity and this means work! We are used to quick fixes but there is no quick fix here and besides weird dating advice there are also men, who live that strive for greatness, who model being an authentically independent man with discernment. They work on being strong, their confidence, life, finances, they heal their wounds, they heal their sexuality and relationship with women.
If you don´t do that but learn dating tricks, you will fall off the horse on the other side, it really is a zero sums game.
So in order to change everything in your life, also the women you meet, you need to work on yourself, deeply. If you do all the good things like working out, eating well, building your life and purpose but do things behind closed doors, that you are not proud of- it will translate into your confidence and the subtle or not so subtle fear for other people to find out, that you are actually not that great, will weaken you.
Questions to ask yourself:
Who do I want to be?
How does this man live his life?
How does he feel?
And then start implementing that. I garantuee, that this will bring you much further than any manipulation. You will meet obstacles on the way, these are your old stories, emotions etc- work through them. There´s little more attractive than a man ready to confront himself, also it makes you invincible, because honestly, there´s no greater opponent than the one in us. Every outer opponent is only a reflection of the inner.
A man working on himself like that, healing his wounds and establishing high standards for himself, doesn´t need to discredit women. He can worship women, honor them, treat them like queens without her losing interest because it comes from a place of strength, not a place of pain/neediness.
In every man is a great man, that he can uncover. No matter, what feedback you received in the past, this great core is there for you to tap into. Wherever you are not great or not perceived as such, is where you act from a wounded, conditioned and thus inauthentic place. It is work but it is worth it. The more you go deep, the more love you will feel. You got this.
Great piece. I agree that tricks are ultimately just crutches. You can only keep up that act for so long.
I would argue that many men are caught in a cycle of self-loathing, and only by learning to love and value themselves can they operate authentically. When a man truly respects himself, he believes he is worthy of good things and can attain them without resorting to manipulation.
Manipulation tactics persist because they are effective, at least in securing short-term success, i.e., getting laid. And the reality is that most men are incentivized towards following this path, racking up numbers as opposed to building meaningful relationships. Most women (out of poor character or falling to the tactics) will reward such behavior, reinforcing the cycle.
However, the man who builds himself into what he could be for his own sake (not for the sake of a woman) often creates a sanctuary in which a worthy woman would join. He is satisfied in himself and who he has become, and he needs not shapeshift to attract a woman.
I agree with CTD we have to connect the dots in our everyday living, without this, we will fail. We have to hold ourselves to account, we cannot do it for someone else ( if we try we will fail). So often the issue has been the model we grew up with may have been faulty. But so we oneself as we truly are and then to build to where we need to be, can be painful but ultimately fruitful