Stop Running!
Inner growth work done right is not making you weak, but bypassing is
I write about how women feel men- the subtle dynamics, the silent impact, the moments that shape safety, desire and connection. My work guides men into deeper presence, integrity and grounded masculine leadership.
There are two dominant camps in dating and relationship advice, and both fall off the horse on both sides.
Camp 1: Perform. Learn to say the right thing, learn the right moves, put on a confident exterior and perform your way into her life. Maybe it works for a night, it definitely won’t work for a relationship. Performance has an expiration date, and she will eventually- or right away- feel the gap between who you’re pretending to be and who you actually are.
Camp 2: “Just be yourself.” You’re enough as you are- whoever accepts you is meant to be, whoever doesn’t isn’t. Sounds liberating, but there´s an in built trap. “Just be yourself” can become a permission slip to not grow, not change, not face the things that keep you stuck. If you tell a man who avoids his emotions, numbs out every evening, and collapses the moment a woman needs him to be present- if you tell that man “you’re fine as you are”, you don´t help him. You help him feel comfortable in a pattern that’s destroying his relationships.
I believe, that the second camp is the reason why men, especially men who perform well in the world and are successful, are often repelled from self development work- because it looks weak and unsuccessful. And this impression is not entirely wrong: it can be weak and not getting you anywhere. But actual growth and transformation do the opposite.
What I believe to be true
There is nothing inherently wrong with any human being. We all have a pure, good core, I believe that wholeheartedly. But we also have a history, we have patterns, we have a persona we built to survive- those things need to be faced if we want to grow.
A growth mindset is not just for your career, your body, your bank account, it applies to the inside too. It applies to the parts of yourself you haven’t faced, to the patterns you keep repeating, to the things you’re avoiding.
What she’s actually responding to
When I say “she’s responding to who you actually are”, this is what I mean:
she’s not only responding to your words, your money, your gestures, your dinner reservations. She’s responding to your presence- the presence you have or haven´t built.
If you haven’t done the inner work, she will feel it. Maybe not on the first date, but certainly over time. She will feel the things you’re hiding, She will sense the places you’ve collapsed, she will pick up on what you’re avoiding. She will feel less attracted, less interested, more irritated or skeptical, more resentful. She will not necessarily know why, because on paper, you’re doing everything right.
What´s on paper is irrelevant when it´s not congruent with what is underneath. This is not cruelty from women like some men like to- conveniently- believe, this is masculine-feminine polarity playing out:
women are designed to feel your gaps because their nature requires you to be able to hold them, to be safe, to be strong. When you run from yourself, you are not safe and you are not able to meet her.
A high caliber woman doesn’t want your performance- she wants you to be real, aligned, present, powerfully masculine. She wants the man who isn’t afraid to be seen, to be felt, who doesn’t have to hide or run or numb. That’s what makes you safe to her- not safe as in boring, but safe as in: I can finally relax with this man because he’s not pretending, he can desire and love me without filter, and he is able to hold me.
This is not for the Weak
Bypassing makes you weak- bypassing your inner world, your patterns, wounds and who you actually are, that´s making you weak. Facing it makes you stronger- from the inside out.
This is not work for the weak and it´s not making you weak either. This work doesn’t make you less masculine, it makes you more you. Facing what you avoided so far- this will probably take more courage than any business deal you ever closed. Looking at your patterns, your wounds, your edges and transforming them- that’s the most grounded, powerful thing a man can do.
If you keep ending up in the same situations- if every relationship hits the same wall, if you keep hearing the same complaints, if things always fall apart around the same time- there’s something in you that needs attention. It´s not a sign, that there is something wrong with you, but that you have untapped potential that you’re refusing to use.
The things you avoid on the inside are the exact things you’ll have to out-perform on the outside- that’s the tradeoff. Either you face them and become free, more powerfully masculine you, or you don’t and you perform forever.
Be authentic, yes please, but growth oriented. Not “just be yourself” as an excuse to stagnate- be yourself at your fullest potential. Carve out the man you actually are underneath the avoidance, the performance, the collapse.
Take yourself seriously- your inner world, your patterns, your presence- take all of it as seriously as you take your career. This is the transformation you deep down desire. This is depth and groundedness added to your strong exterior, and this is what will make your experience with women skyrocket- garantueed.
Be the most powerful, grounded, masculine version of yourself, and understand that masculine includes the inside. It´s not either or- it´s both, always has been.
That’s the most liberating thing you will ever do.
I help men understand their patterns in relationships and sharpen their presence- book a discovery call—> here
“men who perform well in the world and are successful”
Except in a few rare instances, performing is not enough to be successful. Success is rather difficult to attain. I believe that someone who attempts to achieve success through performance only will eventually hit similar barriers to those you describe under point 1, but applied to achievement rather than relationships.