Respect is killing your Relationship

You think you are respectful while you are hiding in your castle and she is starving next to you.

I write about how women feel men- the subtle dynamics, the silent impact, the moments that shape safety, desire and connection. My work guides men into deeper presence, integrity and grounded masculine leadership.

“I respect her too much to…”

Sounds noble and like what feminism fought for… right? What sounds like a virtue and the expression of a good man at first, what sounds like safety and gentleman, is the thing, that makes her drift away or be increasingly frustrated.

What he calls respect, often is fear. Fear of being too much, of being pushy, of being “that man”, of openly and vulnerably stating desire and potentially being rejected.

He covers his fear with a label that looks good and popular: respect, good manners, consideration, a gentleman- doing everything right.

This must be a working system, right? It´s naawwt.

Women always feel the difference. We feel whether you are acting from fear or love. We feel if a man is holding back because he is attuned to us and feels this is appropriate right now. We also feel if a man is holding back because he is afraid of himself and what might come out of him. The latter is not respect, it´s hiding.

If you ask permission to kiss her, hold her hand, have her ok for everything you do- you are missing your opportunity to have her trust your leadership. It creates the very thing you try to avoid- unsafety. She doesn´t feel held in your presence, she feels the need to manage. You come as question mark when actually you needed to be a period. And sometimes an exclamation mark.

This leads to her being frustrated, tense, controlling, naggy. She will lose desire for you, you become absolutely deniable, easily replaced by a man who just takes her- that´s how women usually run into assholes. Women crave this raw masculine energy and if you are afraid of your own, she will look for it elsewhere. She needs you to trust your own instincts and have a compass of your own- not needing her to reassure you every step of the way.

This doesn´t mean “ignore her signals”, it means actually reading them and not letting your fear dictate your actions- this will always feel off for her.

You might identify as gentleman, and by this always be impeccable, doing everything “right”, but never show any raw desire, always have perfect form. You think, your desire is unwanted, a turn off, when actually the holding back of it is the turn off. She is waiting for you to claim her, desire her openly, take her, take the lead, be feisty.

Many men have been so conditioned to not be “that guy”- aggressive, pushy, inappropriate- that they removed all forward energy from how they are with women. They sanitized themselves so much that there is nothing left for women to feel with them.

This is a perfect system to be her “best friend”. You are nice to have, comfortable, one of her girlfriends who also provides.

Women do not want to be respected from a distance, they need to be devoured, desired and taken. You are respecting her femininity by doing that- yes, you need to be able to feel her, to read her cues, but all of this is learnable. Letting her starve has nothing to do with respect.

The distance you hold, the actual intimacy you avoid- you are doing this for you, not for her. It´s a way to control the interaction, to avoid rejection, vulnerability. It´s a perfect little castle, that keeps you safe untouched and it simultaneously keeps out what you deep down desire.

So basically, you are abandoning her, disrespecting her feminine needs, controlling the experience, holding back the very thing she craves most from you- your raw masculine presence- and call it manners, modern, respectful.

Many men saw versions of men who were “that man”- aggressive, acting entitled, robbing women´s aliveness, creating unsafe environments. They experienced it growing up and knew they will never be “that man”.

This decision is good and real, but there´s a catch that most men are not aware of:

as long as this is not properly examined, you will at the core create the same experience for women, just dressed a bit differently. “That man” and the “respectful man” both lead to her not feeling seen, met, and be able to relax with him. So by trying to avoid the thing you dread most, you are proactively creating the very thing.

What can you do now?

You are not supposed to become aggressive, but you need to be honest about what you want, what you feel, your desires- not only the aspects that feel safe, but especially the ones that make you uncomfortable. This is where your aliveness hides.

You are not wrong and she doesn´t need you to be less or different- she needs you to be authentic. Authentic in the most raw way possible.

Doing this will greatly liberate you from a burden you weren´t aware you are carrying.

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Start working with me on your raw masculine presence by booking a discovery call here.