Higher Dominance

How to dominate HER- elevated style.

Many men want to be dominant in bed or they claim to be or they think that they are. The definition of dominance for them is mostly to rule over, not necessarily to lead. Many women on the other hand want to be led, led into an experience they enjoy. To be able to do so, it takes much more than spanking and a grounted “good girl”.

I was counseling a couple who did have many things in place but their sexlife wasn´t good, it was fading. They had kids, he had a business so all the excuses to not have sex were on their side. But because they are very aware and not accepting bullshit, they wanted to confront the issue. So we did.

What they described was very touching and is probably all too common:

When they had sex, it always followed the same script and she was eventually dissociating, which was felt for both of them. He typically would just finish then and both felt empty afterwards.

I asked him if he was into dominance, if he wants to dominate her. He said yes- she didn´t want it though. She was afraid of it, fearing to be overruled, that her safety was in danger and he would do something with her surrender, that she didn´t want. This is a widely spread assumption about dominance and often experienced by women.

After a while of talking things out, we crafted lists of what they both like sexually- one list for her and one for him. Afterwards she received his list of things he liked and he received hers, so they can look it up whenever they needed to.

Her list was very short, desiring mainly his presence and stillness first. It was clear that she needed more time to open herself to a bigger variety of practices.

I told him, that this is his opportunity to be dominant in the highest sense of the word: leading her into the practices and pleasure she craves so much, now that he knows, what exactly she craves. It´s his opportunity to lead in the moments when she dissociates(if it will even happen again), stopping the act and leading back to presence and stillness, so she can stay with him. This makes her actually WANT to have sex with him and spares them both the pain of her escape during the act. It makes her feel safe with him, knowing she can trust and surrender to him.

They are an amazing couple, they have so much awareness for the other, it was beautiful to witness, and it definitely helps.

For me it brought clarity to why so many women fear dominance although they actually want it- because they haven´t experienced a dominance that is including their needs but this is the dominance men should cultivate in order to make HER feel safe and foster her surrender.

To just get your way through is not very interesting but to make the effort to actually understand her needs and wants and then lead you both into the land of pleasure- THIS is the real shit and this you can do no matter your preferred sex style.